


not at all toxic

by inlovewithnight



Category: You're The Worst (TV)
Genre: Group Sex, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:45:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2796800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlovewithnight/pseuds/inlovewithnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gretchen has not forgotten about the group sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not at all toxic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ghostcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostcat/gifts).



“I know you think I’ve forgotten about the group sex,” Gretchen said. “But I have not forgotten about the group sex.”

Jimmy lifted his eyes from his laptop. “There hasn’t been any group sex.”

“Exactly.” Gretchen smiled at him in bright, wretched triumph. “That’s why I haven’t forgotten it.”

“I seem to remember your friend being rather appalled by us.”

“Yeah, she hasn’t spoken to me since.” Gretchen’s smile faltered, then strengthened. “But I’m not going to be stopped by that. This is going to happen.”

Jimmy looked back at the screen and deleted the comma it had taken him half an hour to place. “I doubt it.”

“It will. Even if I have to recruit Edgar.”

“I am vetoing Edgar.”

“What? Why?”

Jimmy’s eyebrows went up but he refused to take his eyes off the blinking cursor and the Schrodinger’s comma that he was probably going to put back. “It seems like a bad idea for landlord-tenant relations.”

“You guys aren’t really landlord and tenant. You’re friends.”

“It’s bad for friend relations, too.”

“No, it isn’t! Lindsay and I have had group sex like… a lot of times and we’re best friends.”

“Yes, your relationship is not at all toxic.” Jimmy frowned at the screen. “I veto Lindsay as well, by the way.”

“Why?”

“She scares me.”

“You can’t just veto everybody we know.”

“Oh, but I can.”

“I’ll find someone.” Gretchen settled back in her chair and picked up her phone. “Just you wait. I will.”

“All right.”

“Someone who will blow your mind.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe several someones.”

“Even better.”

“You don’t believe me.”

“It’s good for you to have a project. Gets you out of my hair while I’m supposed to be writing.”

She stood up again and stomped out of the room. “You’ll see!”

He had a terrible sinking feeling that he just might. But he’d worry about that later. For now: the comma.

**

Gretchen took Lindsay and Edgar to a happy hour with nickel shots. Hell on the liver, but good for strategic planning.

“My status in this relationship is at stake,” she told them. “If I can’t make group sex happen, he’ll feel like he has the upper hand, and then he’ll be insufferable and I’ll have to do something really terrible to him to restore equilibrium.”

“Should I not be listening to this?” Edgar asked. “Is this going to make me into an accessory before the fact?”

“The idea is to come up with a way to _avoid_ me having to do something terrible,” Gretchen said patiently. “By helping me plan the group sex.”

Lindsay did a shot and shuddered dramatically. “Well, first of all, you need to figure out who else you’re getting involved. Group sex implies more than a threesome, right?”

“I’ll take a threesome if that’s what I can get.”

Lindsay giggled. “Aw, remember the last time you said that? We were at that party with the guy I thought was Nicolas Cage and you said he wasn’t really Nicolas Cage and then I bet you all the uppers in my purse that he was, and--”

“Why don’t the two of you just do it?” Edgar asked.

“We nearly ruined each other for men,” Lindsay said with pride. “Gretch is amazing with her tongue, and if you hand me a strap-on I’m like a Jedi, or a wizard, or something.”

Gretchen patted the back of Lindsay’s hand. “He means why don’t you just be my third with Jimmy, Linds.”

“Oh. Well, why not?”

Gretchen winced. “Jimmy vetoed you.”

“What? That is a load of crap!”

“I know, hon. I know.”

“He can’t veto me! Who gave him the right to veto anybody?”

Edgar studied his shot thoughtfully before downing it. “I think if he doesn’t have the right to veto, it’s called rape?”

“Oh, right.” Lindsay slumped in her seat and reached for another shot. “That’s only fun if it’s role-playing.”

“Jimmy’s not ready for that yet.” Gretchen signaled the waitress to bring them another round. “He’s such a grumpy cynic, but very innocent in some ways.”

“Defiling is fun,” Lindsay said hopefully. “If you can get him to cancel the veto, I can do defiling.”

“You’re bouncing back from this divorce awfully fast, Linds.”

“I need distractions so I don’t think about it too much.” Lindsay made a face and licked the traces of booze out of the inside of her shot glass. “Sex is a good distraction.”

“What about me?” Edgar asked.

Lindsay eyed him speculatively. “I could be down for that, sure?”

“He meant with me and Jimmy again, Linds!” Gretchen frowned. “Right?” At Edgar’s nod, she winced again. “He vetoed you, too. Sorry!”

“Wow.” Edgar rested his head in his hands. “What a jerk.”

“It’s not really a surprise! He’s afraid of emotional intimacy, and you guys are his friends.”

“Are we?” Lindsay squinted at Gretchen, her just-drunk-enough-to-be-dangerous squint. “Are we really?”

“Yes. You are. Don’t cause problems, Lindsay.”

“Fine. Fine.” Lindsay accepted the next round of shots from the waitress and downed hers, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. The streak of lipstick left behind was like a signal flag. “I remember how to pick up chicks. Let’s get a third for you and Jimmy, and someone to ruin me for men all over again.”

“What about me?” Edgar asked.

Lindsay patted him on the shoulder. “You’re on your own, champ. But I believe in you.”

**

An hour later, all three of them were slightly more sober and immeasurably more sad.

“I can’t believe it,” Lindsay said. “This is the first time I’ve failed to pick somebody up in literally years.”

“Me too.” Gretchen stared bleakly across the bar. “What does that even mean, ‘desperation doesn’t look good on you, honey’?”

“It happens to me all the time.” Edgar seemed philosophical. “Some days it’s just not going to happen.”

“It’s never not going to happen for hot chicks, Edgar,” Lindsay snapped. “That’s the best part of _being_ a hot chick.”

“Have we fallen into a mirror universe?” Gretchen asked the wall. “Or am I just losing my hotness?”

“Hey.” Lindsay grabbed her by the wrist, hard. “You aren’t losing anything. Don’t say that. Don’t tempt the wrath of the… the…”

“Anything,” Edgar said. “Don’t tempt the wrath of anything.”

“Exactly.” Lindsay shook Gretchen’s wrist hard. “We are both super-hot and will continue to be super-hot, forever.”

“Well, not _forever_ ,” Edgar said, then stopped at the look Lindsay shot him. “Sorry.”

“Maybe they can smell Jimmy on you,” Lindsay went on. “They know you’re looking for prey to drag back to his lair. It’s scaring them off.”

“They’re not prey!”

Edgar shrugged. “They sort of are. Metaphorically.”

“I hate metaphors.” Gretchen sighed. “Let’s get out of here. It’s all ruined now and I’m too drunk to go somewhere else. Drunk and old and not hot.”

“You’re incredibly hot,” Edgar said. “Both of you. You blind me with your hotness. You dazzle me.”

Lindsay smiled at him. “You’re so well-trained.”

“I mean it!” Edgar stooped so he could stare at both of them from level with their faces. “You are gorgeous, sexy, desirable women. Any man would be lucky to catch your attention.”

“We were trying to pick up girls tonight,” Gretchen pointed out.

“Any girl, too. The stars didn’t align tonight, but that’s not on you guys. Okay? You’re both amazing.”

Gretchen smiled a little. “Thanks, Edgar. You’re sweet.”

Lindsay took Gretchen’s hand and squeezed it. “He _is_ sweet.”

“I just said that,” Gretchen told her.

“Gretch. He’s _sweet_. And tall. And here. And interested in us.”

Gretchen blinked. “But Jimmy vetoed him.”

Lindsay squeezed harder. “Who said anything about Jimmy?”

“Oh,” Gretchen said faintly. “Oh, damn.”

Edgar looked so confused, standing there. So confused and innocent. Gretchen almost felt bad for him.

But not quite.

**

Gretchen’s phone rang at nine AM.

“I deleted a whole sentence,” Jimmy said when she picked up. “I officially have made negative progress.”

“This is really early for you to be writing.” Gretchen sat up, clutching the blanket to her chest and staring at Lindsay and Edgar’s legs lying across hers.

“I woke up weirdly alone. You didn’t come back last night. Where are you?”

“Where am I?” Gretchen blinked around herself slowly, confirming that she was indeed looking at the walls of Edgar’s bedroom. “I’m nowhere. Nowhere interesting.”

“Uh-huh. I can hear you, you know.”

“Of course you can hear me. We’re on the phone.”

“No, I mean I can hear you.” Jimmy’s footsteps came down the hall, and Gretchen had about half a second to draw herself up before Edgar’s bedroom door opened.

Jimmy studied the tableau for a moment. “Well.”

“Group sex, Jimmy,” she said into the phone. “Remember group sex?”

“I do not. But apparently the three of you do.”

“We talked about you a lot during it, actually, if that makes you feel better?”

“We really did,” Edgar mumbled. “It was a little weird.”

“I’m very confused,” Jimmy said.

“Are you angry?” Gretchen asked.

“Surprisingly not.”

“Are you eviction-y?” Edgar asked.

“Equally surprisingly not.”

“Are you going to shut up, bring us coffee, and join us for round two?” Lindsay asked, peering out from under a pillow. “Because I need coffee, and you’re boring, but you might be less boring naked.”

Jimmy squinted at them. “I seem to recall vetoing both of them, didn’t I, Gretchen?”

“You vetoed them for you, not for me.”

Jimmy nodded slowly. “Fair enough. Well.”

“Coffee?” Lindsay snapped. “Like, ever?”

“I’ll go with him.” Gretchen got out of the bed. She was naked, but it was definitely well past the point where that mattered. “Come on, Jimmy.”

**

In the kitchen, they made coffee in silence, Gretchen trying to watch Jimmy from the corner of her eye and Jimmy concentrating very hard on making the level of liquid in each mug come out even.

“So,” he said when they were as precise as possible, “that was a bit… odd.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Gretchen grabbed the creamer and started adding it to each cup. “I’ll get my stuff together.”

“I wasn’t going to say that. No creamer for Edgar.”

“I thought he liked it.”

“Not this brand, he likes the other kind. Double sugar instead.”

“Thanks.” Gretchen reached for the sugar. “You don’t want me to leave?”

“No.”

“You’re sure?”

Jimmy cleared his throat. “If you leave, who’s going to coach me through whatever the fuck’s going to happen when we take this coffee upstairs? For that matter, who’s going to help me carry this coffee upstairs?”

She set the sugar bowl down and blinked at him. “You’re serious?”

He was looking at her with something terribly close to sincerity in his eyes. “I don’t promise that this won’t be a total disaster. In fact, I can promise the opposite. This is going to be… terrible. All the way around.” 

She couldn’t resist just one more little push. “So you’re withdrawing your veto.”

He reddened and folded his arms across his chest. “Look, the three of you were very… cozy, up there. It seemed nice. But if you’d like to ruin it, that’s fine with me! I can go back to my book!”

“Oh.” She picked up two of the coffee cups and nodded. “That’s what this is about.”

“What?”

“Avoiding your writing.”

He picked up the other cups and nodded toward the stairs. “God, yes. Please. When we get up there, I meant it about the coaching. Take your time.”


End file.
